This blog is now under new management. A full explanation to come on Monday. Have a blessed weekend!
· · · — — — · · ·
March 6, 2010Dearest readers,
Our office is under siege. A great blast this afternoon nearly knocked the front door from its hinges. Phone lines have been disconnected, cell phones are jammed, and we suspect our wireless connection — which we have been using illegally — will soon be disabled, too.
As we prepare for the imminent breach of our offices, shredding documents and stomping external hard drives, one thing does remain constant: our resolve to fight this war to the very bitter end! Indeed, we will deactivate this website before we let it fall into the hands of the enemy!
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Posted by thelongwoodhole
GLORIOUS WAR!
March 4, 2010
The LU Report fired back today. Good stuff, especially if your definition of good stuff is craven lies and somber elitism!
Let us not forget the words of Plato: “Only the dead have seen the end of blog wars.”
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Posted by thelongwoodhole
Blog War
March 4, 2010
Yesterday, we discussed something that made us glad – The General getting the nod. Today, we’re going to discuss something that makes us both sad — and, also, very, very mad. We’re talking, of course, about The LU Report.
First of all, we’re entirely supportive of competition in the realm of Student-Run Blogs about Longwood. Except we’re not at all supportive. At all. The LU Report is stepping on our turf, and we are hereby publicly declaring a blog war against it.
Q: What about The Longwood Look? Does that not fall in the realm of Student-Run Longwood Blogs?
A: Yes, and we would certainly rumble with the ladies at the Look, were it not for the friendly ties maintained between their writers and our writers. Collectively, we all share a passion for writing and fashion. We are the best of friends. One of our interns will have an essay published on their blog.
Q: Is it possible to find a similar peace with the LU Report?
A: No.
Q: If you could ask three questions to the creator of the LU Report, what would they be?
A: “HOW DARE YOU? HOW DAAAAAAAAARE YOU? HOW — DARE — YOU?”
Q: What irks you so much about the LU Report?
A: In relation to our blog, it is a kissing cousin. An illegitimate, unclean, reputation-ruining kissing cousin.
Q: How do you mean?
A: To put in terms of Animal Farm, our blog is the pig Napoleon, stout and brave, where the LU Report is Moses, the evil raven spreading lies to the gullible animals about Sugarcandy Mountain.
Q: What are there big differences between these two blogs?
A: The Report uses Blogger, where we use WordPress. The Report’s content is strictly news and features, where our content is not.
Q: What are the similarities?
A: Mostly the format…
And maybe the email address: thelureport@gmail.com vs longwoodhole@gmail.com. But who can blame them for using Gmail? Let’s move on — we are starting to lose our anger.
Q: What is your first course of action?
A: A vigorous assault of pouting. We will be emailing The LU Report, demand that it be taken offline immediately. If they do not comply with our demands, we will increase pouting four-fold.
Q: How can I help in the war effort?
A: Become a contributor to the Longwood Hole. You ida wit’ us, or again’ us.
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Posted by thelongwoodhole
Oh, hell yeah!: The General officially gets the nod
March 2, 2010
We’ll try to stop referring to him as The General, since he wants to come to Longwood not “as a general, but as a university president.“
Sounds like a plan. We’re sincerely excited, and wish our future president all the best. Tomorrow, we will begin batting around nickname ideas — leave your suggestions in comments section.
For now, we’re celebrating with our favorite movie.
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Posted by thelongwoodhole
Brigadier General Patrick Finnegan will be Longwood’s next president
March 2, 2010
The rumor that a certain West Point Dean is encamped at the Hampton Inn in Farmville tonight is not the only reason we’re 10000000% certain that Patrick Finnegan will get the nod.
The contest has been his to lose ever since he appeared on campus and dominated the Open Forum. At that event, he came across as frank, prudent, and accessible to students.
He’s brainy, holding degrees from West Point, Harvard, and UVa. And he’s as fabulous as the day is long — he once flew to Southern California to offer unsolicited advice to the right-wing nut creator of 24. Finnegan was concerned that the show’s the depiction of torture during interrogation promoted “unethical and illegal behavior.” This earned a Finnegan a favorable mention in the New Yorker. Fabulous, indeed.
If there’s an institution that currently needs a leader with an eye for image and public perception, it’s Longwood University.
The Board of Visitors, the people who actually make the decision, seem to have cottoned to the General. Not only did they save him for last in the Open Forums, they also got his name right during the introduction, which is more than can be said for some candidates.
All told, people seem pretty excited about him:
Ye, he doth Pac Man the competition.
The formal announcement will be made tomorrow afternoon at the Blackwell Ballroom.
That is all.
***
…Okay, we can’t stop thinking about that scene in All the President’s Men when Ben Brandlee tells Woodward and Bernstein a story about how he had a scoop about LBJ looking for a new head of the FBI. President Johnson, just to spite Brantley, appointed Hoover head of the FBI for life.
We’re half expecting the BoV to announce that Cormier is appointed president for life, then to shout, “Call the Longwood Hole and tell them, ‘fuck you!’”
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Posted by thelongwoodhole
Valentine’s Day Questions: Counterpoint
February 13, 2010We decided to submit our Valentine’s Day questions to our friend Maxwell, a senior who is the lead singer, upright bass player, and principal songwriter for Hell City Sinners.
The Longwood Hole: A wise Italian-American philosopher recently offered this sage romance advice: “Jacuzzi, bedroom, take of business.” What role, if any, does the Jacuzzi play in Valentine’s Day?
Maxwell: The jacuzzi is just another push in the direction sluts were already headed. “I was caught up in the moment.”
TLH: Besides forgetting the holiday entirely, what are some cliches and pitfalls you feel should be avoided on Valentine’s Day?
Maxwell: Don’t get people giant-ass teddy bears because after awhile there’s no more space left in their room…and after you inevitably break up they’re just lying around staring and, I shit you not, some of these girls will sacrificially burn these fuckers in the driveway (at least my mom has).
TLH: Are dried roses fashionable, especially if one is not an indie-puke?
Maxwell: Dried roses remind me of funerals. Giving someone dried roses is fucking ridiculous. If you give someone roses and they want to keep them and dry them out themselves, then that’s fine I guess.
TLH: Should the amount of money your man spends on Valentine’s Day be proportionate to the amount of money he has available? Or should all guys spend a certain amount, regardless of the cash their diddy gives them?
Maxwell: I don’t know…fuck…if the man has absolutely no money, chances are a woman isn’t going to be with him in the first place, so I would say that like $20 on something sincere is cool. Don’t just go and pick up a god damned card from the pharmacy and sign your name on it. Fuck those guys.
TLH: Hypothetical situation: your current boyfriend gives you a lengthy, obviously painstakingly constructed love poem. It sucks. How much street cred has your boyfriend lost, or, perhaps, gained?
Maxwell: He tried. As long as it wasn’t just an attempt at avoiding spending any money on their boo, a guy writing a poem shows that he actually cares enough about her to put some thought into a gift and not throw some money around.
TLH: What must singletons do on Valentine’s Day to avoid suicidal impulses?
Maxwell: Stay around friends…uh, single friends I should say. As if being single the rest of the year doesn’t suck enough, we don’t need Eskimo kisses and arguments over who loves the other one more to remind us of how alone we are. Hang around your single friends, and if you’re attracted to them, have sex with them…because once you’re off celebrating Valentine’s Day with someone, you can’t be out having meaningless sex with people.
TLH: Most romantic song released in the past twelve months?
Maxwell: “Her Name Was Rock and Roll” by The Koffin Kats
TLH: What is your Valentine’s Day horror story? The more brutal, the better!
Maxwell: I spent, no fucking joke, like $350 on Valentine’s Day gifts one year and since my girlfriend (at the time)’s mom hated me, she had her, my girlfriend, grounded from seeing me. So I had to drop off a suitcase full of gifts in her front yard, all the while the mom is yelling, “Okay, he’s been here long enough! It’s time for him to go now!”
Didn’t even get any joy (or sex) from her getting the gifts because I had to drop them off and leave.
***
If you have any rants about Valentine’s Day — or anything else, for that matter — feel free to share them in the comments section! Box of chocolate-covered cherries and an autographed Hell City Sinners EP goes to the winner!
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Posted by thelongwoodhole
Valentine’s Day Questions for the Longwood Look
February 12, 2010Okay – as the title of this post may suggest, for this Valentine’s Day weekend, we posed a few questions to Megan and Jenni of the Longwood Look.
One quick preface: We may have just kinda rushed one of them to hurry up and finish her answers so we could get it all on the blog by Friday. BAD IDEA. We may have pissed her off:
The Longwood Hole: A wise Italian-American philosopher recently offered this sage romance advice: “Jacuzzi, bedroom, take of business.” What role, if any, does the Jacuzzi play in Valentine’s Day?
Megan: Obviously it plays a huge role in the whole Valentine’s Day experience. Especially if you’re obnoxious.
Jenni: Read a romance novel, because I don’t know.
TLH: Besides forgetting the holiday entirely, what are some cliches and pitfalls you feel should be avoided on Valentine’s Day?
M: I think that getting worked up in general about Valentine’s Day is something that can and should be avoided. Maybe it’s not cliche, but it’s definitely a pitfall. People miss the point when they’re so busy worrying about presents and dinner reservations.
J: Maybe handing out condoms to nuns, or something equally insensitive.
TLH: Are dried roses fashionable, especially if one is not an indie-puke?
M: Dried roses… I’m going to say no. I sort of like putting a few petals here and there in my favorite books, though. But, like pet goldfish and tissues, whole bouquets of roses are probably better thrown out when you’re done with them.
J: Martha Stewart seems to think so, and we all know how she turned out.
TLH: Should the amount of money your man spends on Valentine’s Day be proportionate to the amount of money he has available? Or should all guys spend a certain amount, regardless of the cash their diddy gives them?
M: I think that the man should spend as much as the woman does. Or, if he buys you flowers, you make him dinner. I realize that I sort of just went there with gender roles, but I really love to cook. Maybe if he buys you flowers, then you can buy him dinner. Yeah.
J: The money spent on Valentine’s Day should include your entire winnings earned in the Cash Cab.
TLH: Hypothetical situation: your current boyfriend gives you a lengthy, obviously painstakingly constructed love poem. It sucks. How much street cred has your boyfriend lost, or, perhaps, gained?
M: Not only is he losing street cred, he’s getting dumped. Men who write poetry–yes. Long-winded men who write bad poetry–never again.
J: Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Your poetry sucks,
So I’m breaking up with you.
TLH: What must singletons do on Valentine’s Day to avoid suicidal impulses?
M: Oh, those bitter single people on Valentine’s Day. You can’t help but worry about them, right? Well this year they need to get over it. No one’s going to want to take you out if you’re so busy crying all the time.
J: Try to find another outlet for their impulses, like shopping.
TLH: Most romantic song released in the past twelve months?
M: I’m going to go with “Bedrock” by Lil’ Wayne. Obviously.
J: “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga. I don’t care how much you ‘hate’ Lady Gaga. She’s right.
TLH: What is your Valentine’s Day horror story? The more brutal, the better!
M: Well, at the time it didn’t seem so horrific, but I look back now and think, “Holy shit, I was 17 years old.” My boyfriend at the time (who was older so he had no excuse) gave me a dozen or two dozen roses with a fake one in the middle and that note that you read about that says, “I’ll love you till the last flower dies.” Boy, he sure cried when we broke up.
J: I had been seeing someone casually for a few weeks back in my senior year of high school, but I knew it wasn’t going anywhere, so I let him know. His response? “This is worse than when Ronald Reagan died.” Best decision ever? Yes.
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Posted by thelongwoodhole
The J.D. Salinger Flowchart
February 2, 2010
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Posted by thelongwoodhole
University Delays Throughout the Years
February 1, 2010We were walking through the snow in Farmville this Sunday when, at 2:03 PM, we heard from all directions an animal howl:
“A!@#!@#TXCVE%Y%^UTNBVGW@$@EFVVS%^$&$%^&@!!@#!@#!@~!@GC X!!!!!”
It came from dorms and apartments, campus facilities and professors’ houses. It was the sound of those who had just read the email from Time Pierson that said, despite the ten inches of snow, February 1st, 2o10, would be business as usual on campus.
At 5:08, Pierson sent another email, this time to announce a two-hour delay, which cured another volley of animal howls — and Facebook rants:
“why are we having class at all tomorrow? the roads are still a death trap and i’m sure campus is an icy mess too… this is so stupid, the delay isn’t going to do any good. They need to get people really plowing everything tomorrow so that we don’t have to break our necks to be bored in a class room all day.”
“{…}everyone should friend Tim Pierson on facebook and tell him how we really feel. I seriously hope someone sues the crap out of Longwood!!”
“gotta be fuckin kiddin me…if u walk to class shouldn’t be too bad, but trying to park/find parking in all of this shit is gonna be hell.”
“really Longwood, REALLY!”
“WTF LONGWOOD??? Above freezing during the day + wwwayyy below freezing during the night = SHEETS OF ICE IN THE MORNING, YOU IDIOTS!!! Aaaannndd plows mean absolutely no chance of parking. GREAT!”
What these students fail to remember is that Longwood has a grand tradition of offering the finest liberal arts education — even during the most difficult of times.
To the archives!
April, 1865: “NOTICE: It has come to our attention that The Army of Northern Virginia will be marching through Farmville, followed thereafter by the pursuing Union forces. Thus, Longwood will operate on a two hour delay. Please give yourself additional time to arrive on campus so as not to be trampled, raped, kidnapped, murdered, or robbed.”
October, 1895: “NOTICE: Due to a pagan ritual gone awry, an active volcano has sprouted outside of the Cunningham dorms. All classes, activities and services will open at normally scheduled hours. However, please give yourself additional time to arrive on campus. Do not touch or play in the hot lava. While sublimely beautiful, it is quite lethal, as two students have already demonstrated. We appreciate your cooperation as we work to send this volcano back into the ground.”
February, 1918: “NOTICE: Classes will NOT be canceled because of the so-called flu pandemic. We have received information from the department of health that this is the Spanish Flu. Last time we checked, Longwood University is in Virginia. Not Spain. Nice try, though.”
March, 1952: “NOTICE: Polio is no excuse to miss class. Did it ever stop FDR from accomplishing great things? No.”
April, 1965: “NOTICE: Due to April showers that have caused significant flooding around campus, we May operate on a two hour delay for the next week. Notice the emphasis on may. However, until otherwise stated, all classes, activities and services will open at normally scheduled hours. “
MAY, 1974: “Did you hear that there’s a hail storm of unprecedented proportions scheduled to hit Farmville this Monday? We didn’t, either.“
April, 2001: “It has come to our attention that Ruffner has burned down. We understand if you are unable to take you exam, and all students will recieve passing grades in classes that — HAHAHAHAHAHAH just kidding. All classes, activites and services will open at normally scheduled hours.“
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Posted by thelongwoodhole
