Stalking, like streaking and the sale of Adderall, is one of the few aspects of college life not yet measured by US News and World Report. Still, it happens, and it’s never pretty. There are very serious legal consequences–but also, stalking can be a killer to your GPA! We’ve witnessed one acquaintance who flunked out of two grad programs in as many semesters for want of an engaged undergraduate. Dude couldn’t budget his time.
It’s a tough lifestyle: days without sleep, afternoons hiding in the shrubbery outside dorms, hours spent staring at Facebook profiles and meticulously crafting mixtapes/cakes/collages. And add to that sixteen hours of class–or nine credit hours plus an assistantship if you’re a grad student! Indeed, there is no harder working individual on campus than the stalker.
This fall semester, however, these nuts now have a guide available at their local bookstore. No–we’re not talking about the Bret Easton Ellis omnibus! We’re talking about this:
A lesser-known companion to ”The Elements of Style”, “The Elements of Stalk” is another handy little guide compiled by William Strunk Jr, who, as an English professor at Cornell in the 1950s, was naturally the go-to authority on the topic.
The book, which has been updated by Strunk student E.B. White, contains fifty-four points, which stress concision and urgency in the lifestyle of the college stalker. Practical matters are tackled. Rule #5, for example, states: “Always get at least seven hours of sleep. It will ensure fine mental/physical condition for activities like overhearing conversations and climbing over walls.” The book also contains an appendix of conversation starters and some common cliches found in Petrarchan sonnets.
