Boy, did my Journalism 101 classes ever grouse and groan over the paper I assigned them. You would have thought I was asking for an entire treatise on ethics in contemporary journalism, instead of just twenty-five pages. That’s right, only twenty-five pages. I had a cousin who was sort of slow — for fun, he would type with both his elbows and laugh in this hysteric high-pitched cackle at the randomness it produced on the page. I guarantee he’d give me better researched work than the dreck I have to grade this weekend.
In any event, my cousin, unlink the majority of my students, would also make deadline. Now, I know I’m not perfect. God knows I missed my fair share of deadlines. But that was in the beginning. After a month of writing and being screamed at by editors, I developed habits to ensure a timely product. I guess that’s why people pay hundred thousand dollars to go to J school, to learn those lessons. In any event, it’s been almost a month since we started school. It’s time to stop turning shit in late. Let uncle Harpo share his tips:
1. Handcuff yourself to a table in a quiet part of the library: Make sure you’ve got all your books and have gone to the bathroom before you begin. And make sure you have the correct key. There’s nothing more embarrassing than the librarian telling you they’re closing up and having to say “Uhhh, sorry, but I’m handcuffed to the fucking table. I’m really stupid. Dehhhhhhh…”
2. Pretend like you’re a famous journalist: I have this one kid in my class who’s so fat he could be Woodward and Bernstein.
3. Jog a few miles before you write your paper: I had a friend who swore by this method. I did it once, and I spent the rest of the night feeling my heart tremor like a broken washing machine. So instead, I would always smoke a pack of cigarettes before beginning. That will give you the same manic jolt to the brain, essentially.
4. Make sure everyone is rooting for your failure: This one is a beauty. People are capable of amazing shit when they know their colleagues are hoping to see them go down in flames. I was, at least. So, a week before the paper is to be turned in, I recommend telling everyone in class that you are going to get the best grade, not because you’re a genius, but because you’re simply not an ignorant fucktard. Proceed to kick someone in the balls. Presto! You’re working your ass off trying to make sure you turn in that paper. And the bonus part? There’s no distraction from friends in the class who want to talk to you.
5. Bang your head against the wall really hard: Might make you smarter. For some of my students, it couldn’t make them any dumber.
