On the verge of flunking out? Scared of a future without college, a future where you’re unsupported by your parents and government loans? It’s time to put aside all shame and self-consciousness and engage in a Come to Jesus Talk with the professors.
Let’s examine the parlance of the different approaches:
Repentant: “I have learned so much this semester.” “I will be much more responsible.” “Please, for the love of God, don’t fail me.” “I’ll never let you down again. Ever. I promise.” “You can count on me. I have had, like, such a rough semester.” “I understand now about the whole attendance policy thing.”
Life and Death: “I’ll be out on the street if I fail your class.” “My daddy’s gonna, like, hurt me, physically, if I fail your class.” “I can’t fail. Please.”
Disgust: “I couldn’t get most of the work done because I’ve had a tapeworm. Here — I brought a piece of it in this jar to show you…”
Embarrassment: “I got picked on this semester, cause I’m a ginger.”
Cockiness: “Okay. You really need me in this department. I am more than competent and interested in this major. I just can’t consistently wake up at eight in the morning. I’m sorry. However, this whole attendance policy is bullshit and you know it. Now just count my test grades, which are superlative, and let’s all have a fabulous holiday season, okay?”
