Have you been searching in vain for a board game that reflects the vagaries of your life as a Longwood student?  Well, friend, it’s finally here!  For this first day of the semester, The Longwood Hole proudly introduces Longwood Monopoly!

That’s right, Longwood Monopoly!  The game of campus domination!  Check it out!

 

 

It’s like Monopoly, but at Longwood!  Instead of railroads, there are FABs.  Instead of the electric company and water works, you have Janet D. Greenwood Libary and D Hall.  Instead going to jail, you go to community college.  Instead of luxary tax, you get ridiculous parking tickets.  Wow!

 

 

 

 

Even the Chance cards have been customized.  They include:

*You dropped that bullshit three credit Art History class for two credits of tennis lessons.  Goodbye, difficult semester.  Hello, $200 refunded from the registrar.

*Sold textbooks back early.  You don’t need to study for exams, anyway.  You got this.  Collect $200

*Score!  You got prescribed hydrocodone. Collect $50 from each player.

*Your new hobby:  raiding water fountains of their loose change.  Advance token to ARC and collect $20.

*Your friend bets you ten dollars that you won’t expose yourself at D-Hall.  Collect $10.

*What’s this?  An unlocked dorm room?  Is anyone here?  Hello?  What’s this?  Why, hello, Mr.  Pocketbook.  Collect $300.

*Awesome!  You somehow got mailed your grandmother’s social security check.  Cash that bitch in for a cool $200.

*Uh oh!  Parents make an unexpected visit.  Go directly to community college.

*Maybe people will like you if you have a kegger.  In your dorm room.  Yeah.  Loose $300 and go directly to community college.

*Drats!  Someone found out that you’re the one writing that campus gossip blog.  Pay two hundred dollars for a set of new, unslashed tires.

*Maybe people will like you if you have an iPhone.  Pay $100.

*”This is the RA.  Open up.  Hello?  I’m unlocking the door in three…two…”  Go directly to community college.

*A quirky prank turns deadly!  Pay $200 in legal fees.

*GODDAMMIT!  Pay $100 for raised tuition.

*You smuggle four hard-boiled eggs out of D Hall.  You put them in the mini-fridge and, two weeks later, enjoy them as a snack.  Pay $200 in medical fees and go directly to community college.

Now, we know what you’re thinking:  what about Community Chest?  That doesn’t exist at Longwood!  Does it?…

It does!  Tim Pierson’s campus-wide emails reveal both the fortunes and the falls of students.  This is especially true for players of Longwood Monopoly, where lots of whacky things can happen from his emails.  For example:

*Your frat is losing its charter.  Lame.  Pay $50.

*Huzah!  You got elected to SGA.  Go to Macado’s and lose $50.

*Hehehe…A pizza delivery guy got mugged by frat guys.  Life is rad.  Go have a beer Mulligan’s.

*For shame!  Your bid for the SGA senate was a failure.  Go to Mulligan’s and lose $100.

*Your TV got stolen.  Spend $50 on a replacement.

*It has rained for two weeks straight.  Get to higher ground!  Go to Curry and Frazer!

*Rash of break-ins at the Village over break!  Collect $50 from each player.

*You provide information that leads to an arrest.  Collect $100 — you dirty snitch!

*D Hall will be closed this weekend.  Go to Wing Shak and lose $20.

*They found out who keeps putting suds in the Brock Commons Fountain.  Go directly to community college.

*Swine flu outbreak.  Go to the Cunninghams and remain there for your next turn.

*It’s Spring Weekend.  Ohmagawd.  Go to Sunchase and collect $200.  Be safe and responsible.

*Holy fucking shit!  Ruffner’s on fire!  Get over there and see it for yourself!

Play Longwood Monopoly with the token that fits you best.  Here’s what you have to choose from:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Unlike Virginia Techopoly and Uvaopoly, this game is not available for mass purchase.  What you’ve just seen is the prototype.  However, we would be happy to lend it to you.  Or, if you have twelve hours to spare, you can make a copy for yourself!  Either way, we hope you will get a chance this semester to play Longwood Monopoly, where the choice is play, or be played!