November 17, 2009
Out of Virginia’s three hundred thirty-two ABC stores, our establishment on 1506 South Main Street ranks forty-sixth in gallons sold, seventy-third in gross sales.
According to the ABC board’s annual report, between July 1, 2007 and June 30, 2008, the store sold 42,575 gallons, and made $2,539,801 in gross sales.
The Roanoke Times’s Matt Chittum has uploaded on his blog an interesting map that identifies the top fifty stores in the state, along with the four hundred and eighty-three establishments that were caught selling alcohol to minors.
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Alcohol | 
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Posted by thelongwoodhole
November 9, 2009
When we say the phrase “ways to cope with the final quarter of a stressful semester” you’re probably going to think of things like alcohol, prayer, and plagiarism. Certainly these work — for some people. But what about the student not yet old enough to purchase alcohol, or too poor to purchase online term papers, or too morally bankrupt to pray? What can she do to survive these last weeks and cast off this mortal coil?
Answer:
Yes, Prank Week is upon us! A time to relieve your stress by causing stress in others! If you’re in the library, stand up in your chair and howl “Woooooooodyyyyyyy” like the slinky dog in Toy Story. Everyone will know that prank week is upon us.
Remember: A good prank means no one gets physically hurt. Mental injuries, of course, are fine. Indeed, a bruised pride is often the consequence of a good prank, which is great, because it begets retaliation. Everyone gets to have fun!
This week, we will be chronicling a few of Longwood’s notable pranks of yore. If you have a well documented prank of your own, a few photos or maybe well written description of the event, email us (longwoodhole@gmail.com). And if you’ve never done one before — what the hell are you waiting for? Head on out to CVS, buy a value pack of feminine napkins, and let the shenanigans begin!
Leave a Comment » | Alcohol, Ridiculousness, pranks | Permalink
Posted by thelongwoodhole
October 6, 2009
Our friend from ODU came to visit this weekend. At five in the afternoon on Sunday, we received this text:
“Just woke up. you longwood kids dont play around.”
A study by the Roanoke Times concurs. Longwood, according to an analysis conducted by the newspaper, has the third highest rate of alcohol violations, per capita, of all the colleges in Virginia. We’re first among state schools.
Don’t chug that handle of Aristocrat and take to the streets in celebration just yet! The article also details the Longwood University Police’s notorious hounding of alcohol violations. The Longwood cops commented that they’re just trying to be “good neighbors.” You know — the type of neighbors who arrest the shit out of everyone on the block.
Nothing really interesting to be found in the police interview — until we got to the second-to-last paragraph:
“In addition, [Longwood University Police Chief] Beach monitors the buzz about parties and calls the hosts into his office beforehand to remind them of their responsibilities.”
Sooo…how does Chief Beach monitor the party buzz? Is it consistent, reliable information, or does he just use Facebook? Also — how the hell does he get the hosts to come to his office? Does he track them down on his Segway? In his dreams, perhaps.
In any event, we’re a bunch of sloppy fucking drunks who fall prey to excitable police. As the article indicates, that’s probably the only reason we ranked so high. So it’s all the cops’ fault, pretty much. But — no sense dwelling on that! Look at these D-Hall photos:
(photo credit: facebook.com)
photo credit: facebook.com
1 Comment | Alcohol, Newspaper, Police, Rivalry | Permalink
Posted by thelongwoodhole
Out of Virginia’s three hundred thirty-two ABC stores, our establishment on 1506 South Main Street ranks forty-sixth in gallons sold, seventy-third in gross sales.
