Hubris toward Poseidon earned Odysseus a ten-year trip back to Ithaca.  Talking to our friend Andy, you can’t help but wonder what god he must have pissed off.  When Andy decided not to return to Longwood for the fall, after seven years in Farmville –  the same amount of time Odysseus spent on Calypso’s island — we were alternately sad and furious to see him go.  How the hell could someone with Andy’s intelligence decide to walk away when all that stood between him and a degree was a language requirement?  Andy recently answered some questions from The Longwood Hole, and his story – an exile’s travelogue filled with exchange students, threesomes, and a cycloptic-sized dude punching holes through doors – can only be described as epic.   

The Longwood Hole: How did you end up at Longwood? You’re not from Virginia, right?

Andy:  Correct. I’m originally from Pennsylvania. I started college at Penn State, but was really unhappy there. Classes too big, professors didn’t give a shit, yada yada yada. However, the real reason I came to Longwood was because I made the age-old mistake: I did it for a girlfriend. She had started here and really liked it. I came down to visit her a couple times and liked it as well. Plus, I wanted to get away from home. Everyone else I knew from high school had gone away for college and was having the time of their lives, while I was living at home going to a Penn State satellite campus and it was like I never left high school. So I applied and got in and left the following year. Of course, the girlfriend and I broke up a month later, and college had soured on me way before then, so I dropped out. A year and half later, I came back to finish, this time in my 5th major, music.

TLH:  How many semesters at Longwood did you take classes? What were some high points? Did the problems with housing and classes start from in the beginning, or did things gradually decline?

Andy:   It started with two semesters before I dropped out. Then after my return, I did another nine. So, I attended Longwood for a total of nine semesters. That’s almost six years for those of you keeping count. In my first year, before I dropped out, I had made some friends that I still have today, but overall, the experience was fairly dull. I never went out and did anything, I just stayed in my room and watched movies or played games. However, in my return, I was a different person, and in the music majors met a different type of people: people who wanted to hang out with me. As I got comfortable, it got easier to have a good time. However, I still found classes hard to go to no matter how popular I was.

In my first year, I had no problem with my housing. When I returned, however, it was a different story.

The semester I returned, (I returned in Spring of 2005, so we’re talking about housing in the Fall of 2006) a friend of mine and I decided to room together. In July before the new school year, we get our housing assignments. We were placed with two different people on two different sides of the Cunninghams. Not even close to rooming together. So, I called housing to explain the problem and they told me that nothing could be done until October because all assignments are locked down until then. At the time, I thought they knew what they were talking about. Until two weeks later when we receive new assignments. Now they had us on the International Student Hall as suitemates, living with Chinese exchange students. Well, that’s fucked up because that’s not what we signed up for. So, I called again to explain the problem and the woman gives me the same line about the assignments being locked down until October. This is where I blew up and started on a rant about how my friend and I handed in our paperwork on time and pay the same good money everyone else does, so why are WE the ones getting tossed around. WE should get the same treatment as everyone else and WE want to room together, and thats the ONLY solution WE are willing accept. She said to calm and she’ll go get Doug Howell. Doug comes on the phone very calmly and explains that there must’ve been a mix up. He has paperwork that I was signed up to live on the International Student Hall. Then, I remember that before my friend and I decided to live together, I went to two interest meetings about living on the ISH. However, the dude that supposed to run the meetings, the REC of the Hamms, (who coincidentally got fired the following year for having sex with a student; GO LANCERS!) never showed to the meetings. So, the meetings never happened. So, as far as I was concerned, I didn’t sign up for SHIT. I tell Doug this and he says he’ll look into it and see what he can do. Two weeks later, which about a week and a half before MOVE-IN, my friend and I get a room together…..on the ISH. Fine. Whatever. At least we’re finally rooming together. So, on move-in day, I get to the room first and open the door……and its a handicap single room. Thanks Longwood. They never mentioned that. So both my roommate and I had packed thinking we were going to have a regular sized room. It was WAY cramped in there all year. WAY too cramped for two people to live comfortably. At least the bathroom was big enough to fit a fucking wheelchair. So, we got what we wanted right? Wrong. Three weeks into the semester, the NEW REC comes to our room to tell us that there are two Chinese students living together and that they want American roommates. She told us that Housing wanted to split us up and make us live with Chinese students since we were two Americans living together living on the ISH. We tell her, very confidently, that we will not, and that if they want that to happen, they’re literally going to have to pick us up and move us and also that we DARE her to try exactly that. Now, let it be known that our suitemates were ALSO two Americans living together on the ISH, but they were baseball players, so they didn’t wanna fuck with them. WHAT IF THEY LOSE A GAME?!?!?!?! Fuckers. After the REC left that night, we never heard from her again about the move. I guess we got through to her.

Ah, the Landings. The escape for the student that doesn’t want to live “on-campus”, just across the street from it. AND ITS NOT A DORM ROOM! I was one of the first students to live in the Landings. When move-in day of that year occurred, Fall of 2006, one of the four buildings wasn’t finished. Guess which one I lived in? So in August, about two weeks before move-in, I get a letter saying that I will be placed in temporary housing at the Poplar Forest Apartments. This is a good five miles from campus. Past Wal-mart. They also said that I still have to park in resident parking…even though they’ve placed me five miles away against my will. Nice. Not every student got lucky to stay in Poplar Forest, though. Some had to stay in the Days Inn. That must’ve been a JOY. So, after the first of two weeks we lived there at the beginning of the semester, they say we’re allowed to use commuter parking. Thanks. I appreciate it. So, we get to move-in…again…and I claim my room. I could almost stretch my arms to either side. I had NO IDEA these rooms were going to be this small. Never told, so AGAIN, I had TOO much stuff for a small room. Also, my friend transferred and I couldn’t find another roommate, I was stuck with two basketball players (I’ll bet into basketball later) and a pothead art student.  During my time in that apartment, I had my room broken into TWICE and had shit stolen. Had a dude almost cut one of my roommates for having a threesome with his girlfriend. (He was, I saw all three of them go into the room.) And I figured out that I could break into ANY of the bedrooms in the Landings with a credit card because of shotty construction. Hope you feel safe. I didn’t. I never had to call the cops in my life until I went to Longwood. I called them a total of seven times during my tenure at Longwood and I have NEVER called them anywhere else in my life.

TLH:  What was the very first major problem that you experienced?  Why, today, do you carry ill feelings regarding certain aspects of our school?

Andy:  The VERY first problem I faced happened on MOVE-IN DAY of my FIRST DAY AS A STUDENT AT LONGWOOD. So, this was in Fall of 2002, the year after which I dropped out. I was trying to get a parking permit, and after the line of twenty-five people in this narrow hallway finally thinned out, I got up to the window. The lady looks at all my paperwork and says that because I have a freshman standing, I can’t have a car on campus. I told her that I live in Philadelphia. I drove down from Philadelphia. How am I supposed to get my car BACK to Philadelphia. She said I could drive it back and have someone drive me back down. I told her that was insane. I can’t do that. Classes start in two days, it’s a six hour drive to Philly from here. That’s assuming I don’t hit bad traffic in NOVA. She just shrugs at me. I tell her I NEED to talk to someone else who can do something about it. She looks frustratingly at the line behind me, but I don’t budge. She sighs and goes to get a rather older woman, who still works there to this day, and SHE is able to give me a parking permit. She said that Freshman from OUT OF STATE are allowed cars on campus. NO FUCKING SHIT!! WHY DOESN’T YOUR LITTLE HELPER KNOW THAT?!?!?!?!?!

Now, my ill-feelings toward Longwood stem from one assumption. Let me be clear, that as much as I would want this assumption to be correct because it would be satisfying to hear it from Cormier’s own mouth, it IS only an assumption. That assumption is as such: If you are accepted as a Longwood student, the administration sees you as nothing more than a money source. However, if you are a prospective student, then you are GOD HIMSELF and they will do ANYTHING for you. It’s the little things. Like parking, or food, or the fact that they made a bad basketball team Division I, thus making them a HORRIBLE basketball team. Now, I could care less about basketball, but when they made them Division I, I was furious. When you become a NCAA Div. I team, you need certain facilities on campus for your athletes. Hence, the new Activities Center by Hull and the highrises. Now, I know that most of the money to build this place comes from donations and state funding. However, the NCAA requires yearly dues. It’s like a club and when you become Div. I, the dues become higher. Mainly because as a Div. I team, you get national explosure on TV and ads everywhere. The NCAA, like all the universities in its membership, is a business, and business has never been better. So, the money for those dues? Where does it come from? It’s going to come from a yearly source of income. Hmm…we have a bunch of gullible fucking kids giving us thousands of dollars a year. How about asking for MORE thousands of dollars a year! Yes! Thats it! I’m so glad I got to pay for the education of a small group of individuals on campus, instead of myself.

Now, basketball isn’t the only thing that gives me a sour taste in my mouth. Hell, it isn’t even the biggest thing. The biggest and probably most blatant middle finger to the student body has got to be parking. It’s EASILY parking. Ok, so we built this Brock Commons thing. MAINLY so we can fit a bunch of teacher parking in a garage underneath it. This will free up a bunch of spots on campus for students. WRONG. Instead some of the spots under Brock Commons lay empty everyday. I know this as a music student as I walk under there everyday from Wygal to go to the cafe. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of staff parked under there, but why all the empty spaces? Who isn’t using them? Anyways, empty spaces aside, this didn’t clear up parking for students. The biggest help we got was when Wynne was demolished [Wynne was the building where education classes were held; it was demolished Febraury, 2006 -- Ed] and made into a parking lot. I mean, that’s great and all, but what about the people who live in the Colonnades? Surely you don’t expect them all to fit in that tiny lot behind that church? Oh wait, that’s Commuter parking that NO ONE USES. So, you DO expect them to walk the close to two miles to get to their cars. Wow. That IS a large middle finger you have, Grandma. Okay. Fine. I guess we could use the exercise to work off the completely unhealthy food you give us at the dining hall. But, we’ll get to keep that parking area right? NO. Next to the Lancer Village (formerly Stanley Park) they are building a parking lot that will be ALL parking for students, commuters included. Then students will have to take a fucking SHUTTLE to their cars. NICE. I’m glad I got out when I did. Have fun with that, this year’s freshmen.

As I said, this is only an assumption, but I don’t think it can be too far off. Check into it.

TLH:  Will do.  Since you’ve been through a lot, could you describe the most flat-out insane thing you ever witnessed at Longwood?

Andy: The most insane thing I must have witnessed had to have been when that dude almost cut my roommate in the Landings. So, I was coming home from a friend’s place, and I saw one of my basketball roommates (you’re welcome, douchebag) walking up to our building with two girls. One of which was his girlfriend who literally lived with us and was a fucking slob. Anyways, we get off the elevator on the fourth floor where we lived. Oh yeah…have I mentioned yet that whenever I lived on-campus, I was placed the TOP floor? I haven’t? Well I was. That’s fucked up. Anyways, we go into the apartment and I lock the front door behind us, because I’m the only one who does. I walk into my room and the three of them go into his. I get undressed and ready for bed and go to go to the bathroom. Heavy bass is spilling out of his bedroom and over all of it I hear giggling. My thought was, good for him. I go to bed. I’m about to fall asleep when a HUGE bang happens on the front door. I hear this dude yelling drunkenly. He pounds on my roomates door, then mine. I throw pants on and open the door. He had punched a hole into it AND the other door as well. He asks me where Dana is. That’s my roommate…not his girlfriend. I tell him he punched a hole in my fucking door. He says he’s sorry and asks for Dana again. I tell him he’s in his room and I close my door and lock it. (which doesn’t matter in the Landings.) Then I hear yelling and threats. I call the cops. The guys leave to take it outside and must’ve seen the cops come because Dana doesn’t come back that night. The cops come to the room and I explain what happened. Dana’s FRIENDS are there, not DANA and THEY explain what happened, even though THEY weren’t there. I tell the cops that these dudes weren’t even there, so nothing they’re saying is true. The cops told me that THEY would decide what was true. Nice. So, a dude shows up that night to repair the front door that the guy LITERALLY KICKED IN LIKE A SWAT TEAM. By fix, I mean he screwed a piece of wood to the doorframe to the door would lock. However, my grandmother could’ve leaned on the door and broken it open. That was probably the most fucked up thing I saw during my stay at Longwood.

TLH:  Your experience with the foreign language requirement was pretty dark. What happened?

Andy: I mean…the deal with the foreign language department, at least through the eyes of someone who isn’t a major, is that the department goes through Spanish teachers like a five-year-old goes through a bowl of ice-cream. I mean, it’s a REALLY fast turnover rate. So, every time I took Spanish, which was six times at different levels, I had a different teacher that had a different teaching style. Not to mention, I’m just REALLY bad at the subject. So, I go to my teachers to tell them that I struggle with the topic and they usually give me the same response. Ask questions, come in for help, get a tutor, blah, blah, blah. I do all that and still fail. Fine, I fail, because I’m not good at it. I’ve accepted that. I also can’t blame Longwood for having the requirement as most liberal arts colleges — that’s what Longwood is whether Cormier think so or not – have this requirement. Fine. I can deal with that; I came to grips with my inability to learn another language YEARS ago. But, it was a couple of instances where the teacher flat-out told me that if I can’t learn it, then I shouldn’t be there. Wait…be where? IN A FUCKING SCHOOL?! YOU FUCK HEAD! YOURE A LANGUAGE TEACHER! WHAT POSSIBLE RESEARCH COULD YOU BE DOING! TEACH ME GODDAMMIT! Anyways, that my view on foreign language and how it can suck my dick.

TLH: Do you feel that the problems you faced were common to a lot of students?

Andy:Do I think my problems were common? No. I think a select few get screwed like I did. The REAL problem is that I think a growing number of students are going to get screwed like me. As in, the problem is getting WORSE, not BETTER. As the school grows, mainly in buildings, not in student body like it wants to, the problems will grow. That’s what happens in running a university, though. Kids are there, then they’re gone. New problems arise. However, I think Longwood has an inability to SOLVE new problems. I feel as though Longwood sees a NEW problem and shoves it under the carpet to be handled at a later date. Does it finally get solved? Yes. But it happens way after it should have. Running a university is a business, but Longwood has shown that it doesn’t have much business sense. The reason it sells its product is because it is a cheap, state school that kids can go to and not be TOO far from home and their parents can afford. Many of the girls at Longwood seem to be there to find a husband, and they’re education majors so in case finding the husband doesn’t work out, they have something to fall back on. Again, this is just an assumption. But, I’ve been there a while and have seen many girls come and go there. Most of them engaged. Just being honest. More people I knew in college in the past two years have gotten engaged or married then I ever thought. I knew nine couples that engaged this summer alone and another four got married. I know I’m going off the subject of the question, but I already answered the question. It just that I think there some more problems then Longwood seems to realize or wants to realize. But, like I said earlier, it doing something right in its recruitment. A prospective student is god. They got that down.

TLH: Have you thought about coming back, since you’re so close to finishing? I know one of your reasons for getting out stemmed from the idea of “fuck it, they’re not getting anymore money from me.” But, still, you’re so close. Or do you not think of it anymore?

Andy:  I’ve thought about returning to SCHOOL, but I won’t be returning to Longwood’s campus as student ever again. There are other ways to finish the degree, the problem is that I’ve been doing college for so long, some of those credits are about to expire. (Yes, they expire.) So going back is not just going to be taking two classes. I need a break. I just want to work and actually have money go INTO my pocket slowly, rather leave my pocket quickly. I have no shame working shitty jobs. As long as I can afford the basics, which is easier than most people realize or would like you to think. To be honest, I consider higher education to the biggest scam in the world. Kids are being conned day in and day out and either don’t know it or are too scared to accept it. There’s nothing that says that if you don’t have a degree, you’ll end up on the street. All it does is make the job search easier. JUST THE SEARCH. The job is going to hard either way. It’s a great way to discover yourself. I know I discovered a TON about myself at college. THAT was the invaluable experience there. NOT the “education”. However, that experience is not worth the $50,000 debt minimum that college students end up in. In an economy that was almost completely destroyed by loans, we still force people to take money out to go to college. Just seems weird that it should cost that much. Especially for state-funded schools.

TLH: What are your plans these days?

Andy: I’m moving out to Illinois to be with my girlfriend, a Longwood graduate, as she finishes up grad school at the University of Illinois. I’ll be working somewhere wearing a uniform and maybe asking if you want fries with that. But, its not horrible. I could be on the street. I’ll survive without my degree. Just because I don’t have the degree doesn’t mean I’m not educated. Technically I’m about as educated as someone with a PhD. That’s gotta count for something somewhere. Just got to find out where.