Ever Wonder How Much/Little Your Professor Earns?

December 7, 2009

Go here for the full database, courtesy Virginia Tech’s Collegiate Times.  Here are the top earners at Longwood:


BoV votes to increase tuition for 2010 semester

December 6, 2009

The Longwood Board of Visitors voted to increase tuition by 4.5% in the Spring semester, according to an email sent by SGA president Cam Patterson.  This increase is due, Patterson said, to state stimulus funds that the university has not received:

We were supposed to receive stimulus funding from the state to help with operation cost, but we have not received those funds and there is no clear cut sign that we will receive that money at all. The 4.5% increase will result in a 7$ [sic] per credit hour tuition increase and 105$ [sic] total for those taking 15 credit hours. This money will help to alleviate the burden that has been brought about due to the lack of stimulus funding. This increase only helps us to cover the operating cost for this year.

The BoV also voted to raise the comprehensive fee a dollar per credit hour to finance the hiring of a One Card Manager.  Patterson wrote:

The One Card is something that has been discussed for the past 10 years. This card will act like a debate [sic] card and students / faculty and staff will be able to use it at various vendors around town and to pay certain bills on campus. Parents can place money on the card via a online source or the parent/student can have the cashiering office do it. The total price will be $15 per student. Vendors like Kroger’s, CVS, McDonald’s, Subway and a few others have already bought into this service.

Patterson added that the tuition rates do not yet reflect impending budget cuts.  “We still have to focus on the cuts that will be levied by the Governor on December 18th and the General Assembly when they convene for session. These cuts will impact tuition for the 2010-2011 academic year.”


Your Friday Debt Report

December 4, 2009

Sure, it’s hard to find a job these days — but it all evens out, because now you get out of school with more debt!

Yesterday, The Roanoke Times reported that sixty-three percent of the 2008 Longwood graduates finished in debt an average of $14, 935 each.  Out of the fifteen public institutions in the state, this is third worst: Radford and Old Dominion were first and second, respectively.

The article includes the full report, which was conducted by Matt Reed of Institute for College Access and Success.  According to the arcticle:

The report is one of many tools parents and students can use to decide on the best school for them, said Matt Reed, author of the report and program director for the institute.

Reed said the report demonstrates that families and students should look at more than the sticker price of tuition and compare financial aid packages and the estimated total cost of attendance including housing, all of which can vary widely from school to school.

Yeah.  And as we’ve already learned, Longwood is already on the verge of overpricing itself out of its market of small public schools.  Thus, further raising tuition rates will be detrimental both to potential students and to current students who must bear more debt in a dismal job climate.

Have a great weekend!


Put the brand where the potential student’s stomach is

November 5, 2009

Remember when Barnes and Noble sold the Longwood Lancer Chocolate Bar?

chocolate

Now that, according to the folks at EARN!, was a good idea.

Because, let’s face it — there are a lot of potential students who will not be won over by DI athletics.  Unfortunately, some students do not spend their final years of high school watching the ESPN bottom line for obscure southern universities to potentially attend.

For them, we must devise new ways to get their attention about Longwood, to whisper our brand’s sweet, sweet promise in their ear.

Here’s the perfect venue:

cereal

Nerdy kids are always wheezing their nasally mantra about how breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

The people at EARN! agree.  They believe that the best way for our school to both advertise it’s brand and earn cash is to sell a Longwood University Breakfast Cereal.

Potential Revenue:  $18.5 million, per fiscal quarter.

Why?:  Imagine you’re a fifth grader dashing down the grocery aisle.  Anxious.  Impressionable.  As you search for the Cinnamon Toast Crunch, your best friend, your favorite cereal, you notice another box:

lancer food

You read the box.  “Lancer Food has so much protein, brown sugar, whole wheat, and blue-and-white-spirit that it should probably come with a warning label by the FDA.”

You turn over the box and find that, in fact, it does come with a warning:

CAUTION:  Studies have found that eating Lancer Food every day may cause prodigious intelligence, in addition to exceptional muscle growth, popularity, and shiny hair.  Consume at your own risk.

You spit on the Cinnamon Toast Crunch, that no-talent hack of a cereal, and, for the rest of your formative years, eat nothing but delicious Lancer Food for breakfast.

And for lunch and for lunch?  You guessed it — Lancer Chocolate Bars!


Another fabulous idea from EARN!

November 4, 2009

EARN! continues its tireless quest to produce small ideas that will blossom into big profits for Longwood. Today’s idea: film ten students in a nationally broadcast reality show.

Potential revenue: $10-15 million, if reality show is signed by MTV or one of its subsidiaries. $5-6 million, if show is signed by CW. All figures will be doubled if show is signed for additional seasons.

Why?: Because we’ll make bank. Fucking. Bank. This is a big stinking of pile of money just waiting to be scooped into a wheelbarrow and rushed to Longwood’s coffers.

How: Put a sentence in the fine print of the freshman orientation packet. Something like By attending Longwood, the student acknowledges and accepts his/her potential participation in a nationally broadcast reality show. If selected, failure to participate in this program will result in expulsion from Longwood and/or prosecution for contract violation.

Bang. You’ve got a reality show.

The ten students don’t even have to be glamorous or attention-starved. They just have to be characters that make you keep tuning in for the next episode. Characters such as…

The Overweight Androgynous Freshman: Is that a guy or girl? Look how fat it’s getting!

The Townie Commuter: How will she violate her parole this week?

The Sunchase Recluse: What new and disturbingly illogical excuses will this anthropomorphic sloth find to skip class this time?

Who would have thought that millions of dollar could made from these colorful personalities?

EARN!, that’s who.


The introduction of EARN!

November 3, 2009

Yesterday we explained why the AAC’s proposal is a logical and necessary course of action for Longwood.

But we’re not about sitting around hemming and hawing and patting ourselves on the back. We’re proactive.

Today, we’re proud to introduce a new feature to The Longwood Hole. It’s a think tank, created with the sole purpose of generating and advocating money-making schemes to be used by Longwood University.

It is called Expedite Academic Resources Now!, or EARN!

Who are the members of EARN!? Dreamers, for the most part. A few idealists. A handful of business majors. All united in securing a stable financial future for Longwood.

So, without further introduction, let us take a look at EARN!’s first idea: sell ad space of the side of visual art.

Potential revenue: $2-3 million dollars, according to EARN!’s official estimate.

Why?: According to the values statement for the Longwood Center for the Visual Arts: “Art can inspire people to lead more hopeful, creative, and participatory lives within the community for the greater good.”

And, if strategically altered, art can also inspire people to buy shit. For example:

baby

BEFORE: Memorial (Collapse), 2005

baby ad

AFTER: A crusty baby head is turned into a tasteful ad for Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion!

There is some art on campus that simply begs to have sponsors:

racecar

Something's missing...

racecar ad

Perfect!

man

From Whence Cometh My Help? (2005)

man ad

Here's all the help you need, buddy!

EARN! will be presenting more of their ideas throughout the week.


Academics and Athletics

November 2, 2009

Last week, the debate over how Longwood University will weather state budget cuts while remaining a competitive, competent institution caught the attention of the student body.

One Facebook group titled Education Before Athletics has a membership — as of this writing – of 453 members, composed of students, student athletes, professors, and alumni.   The argument is over whether Longwood athletics should remain at a Division I level, a frustrating thing to argue, especially when it’s revealed that this was never proposed by anyone in a position of authority.

What was proposed, in the Resolution on the Longwood University Budget put forth by Academic Advisory Committee, was that “ tuition increases in FY2011 be made cost-neutral to students through a reduction in the Athletic component of the Comprehensive Fee, and that other components of the Comprehensive Fee remain level-funded.”

We believe this is a logical choice that should be considered by President Comier, Dr. McWee, and the Board of Visitors.  We do appreciate the contribution of Longwood athletics, which has performed well in Division I, finishing the 2008-2009 academic year with a cumulative win percentage just under .500.   However, we fear that Longwood’s already tenuous reputation as an academic institution will suffer huge damages if professors and other essential faculty are made to suffer the brunt of the budget cuts.

In the presentation given by Dr. Brian Bates on behalf of the AAC, a number of worrying facts were presented:

slide seventeen

Slide 17: Longwood's tution and comprehensive fee has been consistently higher than peer institutions

slides tenty one and twenty two

Slides 21-22: The athletic portion of the comprehensive fee has swelled from 32% to 48% in seven years.

Athletics makes up 22.5% of the total fees you pay.
Slide 20: Athletics make up 22.5% of the total fees you pay to Longwood.

The presentation goes on to propose that the comprehensive fee be scaled back in order for Longwood to remain competitive.  It says “The only area within Comp Fee that has seen meteoric growth is the Athletic budget.”

It then demonstrates the maintenance of comprehensive fee that would be cost-neutral to students, and keep Longwood competitive amongst peer institutions.  The penultimate slide ends with a plea by the faculty:

slide thirty four

What the hell is the core mission of Longwood?  Is it to have, above all, a ballin’ ass athletic program that will spread the good news of our pretty little school in Farmville?

No.  It’s this:

Longwood University is an institution of higher learning dedicated to the development of citizen leaders who are prepared to make positive contributions to the common good of society. Building upon its strong foundation in the liberal arts and sciences, the University provides an environment in which exceptional teaching fosters student learning, scholarship, and achievement. As the only four-year public institution in south central Virginia, Longwood University serves as a catalyst for regional prosperity and advancement.

Approved by the Longwood Board of Visitors, July 1997.

“…exceptional teaching fosters student learning, scholarship, and achievement.”  Meaning, the Longwood BOV purports to care about the education of its students, all of its students.  The Mission has nothing to do with the extracurricular and everything to do with the curricular.

As well it should: Longwood’s ”brand” is staked on the quality of the students it produces, not on how many times our name appears on the ESPN.  Having a strong academic product to back the brand is the only way to grow.  Schools with prominent athletic programs almost always have a supportive alumni base; students are not leeched upon in the name of athletic glory.  Instead, happy graduates donate to their Alma Mater.

Will our athletic program lose its Division I status if their portion of the comprehensive fee is reduced?  We don’t know.  Possibly.  But we feel that seeing Longwood lose its Division I status is a much more preferable alternative to seeing professors, those who are here to serve all students, not just the athletes, lose their jobs because of budget cuts.


The Print Issue: Day One

October 26, 2009

This week, possibly our favorite week of the year, we’ve put together a pamphlet that will be available at different spots around campus.  It includes two stories, a swell interview, music suggestions for your Halloween party, a comic strip, and a sonnet!

Today, there are ten copies in the atrium of the Greenwood Library.

printone

If you live outside Farmville and would like a copy, email us — longwoodhole@gmail.com — and we’ll mail you one.


When Investments Self-Destruct

October 21, 2009

andersHello, again.  Happy Campus Sustainability Day.  I’m proud to be speaking at Longwood this afternoon, discussing the great green strides this school has achieved — efforts which have been made possible, for the most part, due to my largess.

In other news, my daughter tried to kill herself.

Kids — one minute they’re learning to walk, and the next minute they’re scarfing down a Tylenol parfait and sending you disturbing texts:

“i wnt u 2 no tht i <3 u … :  )”

Jasmine sent that to her mother, who forwarded the message to me.

I admit, I’ve never been very good at understand this texting; I had to ask Gerald, my intern, to act as decoder.

“It says ‘I want you to know that I love you.  Smiley face.’” Gerald said.

This may sound pedestrian enough — but I know from experience that any time Jasmine is texting smiley faces to her mother, you better look the hell out.

Luckily, Jasmine also posted a few of her fond farewells on Facebook, which her RA spotted.  Jasmine was found in bathtub, slowly fading away, typing into her laptop with one hand and texting with the other.  She was rushed to Southside, had her stomach pumped, and has been slated for release today, having suffered no permanent damage.

She seems to be a lot happier.

What about me, though?  How am I supposed to feel that my daughter didn’t even bother to send me a farewell text?  She could have at least CCed it to me!

“I was going to text you,” Jasmine said.  ”I was going to text you after Mrs. Duncan.”

So.  It seems that in my daughter’s absurd hierarchy, her middle  school swimming coach ranks higher than myself.

That’s how I’ve come to this realization:  furiously shoveling money onto an invest does not guarantee superlative dividends.

Just because I have provided Jasmine with an enviable life doesn’t mean that she will appreciate it.  Kids don’t appreciate money; they appreciate human interaction.

Thus, from now on, I will be visiting my daughter every weekend.  If I find myself in Irvine on Friday, I will  jet back to Farmville in time for Saturday brunch.  This may sound extreme, but I love my daughter: she is one investment I don’t want to see self-destruct.

Hope to see you around campus today.


The Mad Hatter will close on October 31st

October 19, 2009

mad hatter1

After serving Farmville’s art enthusiasts and music lovers for almost two years,  The Mad Hatter – the big lime-green cinder block building at 208 N. South Street next to Macados — is shutting down.

Over the summer, business hours and employee hours were shortened.

Food and coffee is still being served, and the art on the ground level is being sold in silent auction format.  No further live music has been scheduled.

It has not been announced where Tuesday trivia night will take place after October 31st.


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