We decided to submit our Valentine’s Day questions to our friend Maxwell, a senior who is the lead singer, upright bass player, and principal songwriter for Hell City Sinners.

The Longwood Hole:  A wise Italian-American philosopher recently offered this sage romance advice: “Jacuzzi, bedroom, take of business.” What role, if any, does the Jacuzzi play in Valentine’s Day?

Maxwell: The jacuzzi is just another push in the direction sluts were already headed. “I was caught up in the moment.”

TLH:  Besides forgetting the holiday entirely, what are some cliches and pitfalls you feel should be avoided on Valentine’s Day?

Maxwell: Don’t get people giant-ass teddy bears because after awhile there’s no more space left in their room…and after you inevitably break up they’re just lying around staring and, I shit you not, some of these girls will sacrificially burn these fuckers in the driveway (at least my mom has).

TLH:  Are dried roses fashionable, especially if one is not an indie-puke?

Maxwell: Dried roses remind me of funerals. Giving someone dried roses is fucking ridiculous. If you give someone roses and they want to keep them and dry them out themselves, then that’s fine I guess.

TLH: Should the amount of money your man spends on Valentine’s Day be proportionate to the amount of money he has available? Or should all guys spend a certain amount, regardless of the cash their diddy gives them?

Maxwell: I don’t know…fuck…if the man has absolutely no money, chances are a woman isn’t going to be with him in the first place, so I would say that like $20 on something sincere is cool. Don’t just go and pick up a god damned card from the pharmacy and sign your name on it. Fuck those guys.

TLH: Hypothetical situation: your current boyfriend gives you a lengthy, obviously painstakingly constructed love poem. It sucks. How much street cred has your boyfriend lost, or, perhaps, gained?

Maxwell: He tried. As long as it wasn’t just an attempt at avoiding spending any money on their boo, a guy writing a poem shows that he actually cares enough about her to put some thought into a gift and not throw some money around.

TLH:  What must singletons do on Valentine’s Day to avoid suicidal impulses?

Maxwell: Stay around friends…uh, single friends I should say. As if being single the rest of the year doesn’t suck enough, we don’t need Eskimo kisses and arguments over who loves the other one more to remind us of how alone we are. Hang around your single friends, and if you’re attracted to them, have sex with them…because once you’re off celebrating Valentine’s Day with someone, you can’t be out having meaningless sex with people.

TLH:  Most romantic song released in the past twelve months?

Maxwell: “Her Name Was Rock and Roll” by The Koffin Kats

TLH:  What is your Valentine’s Day horror story? The more brutal, the better!

Maxwell:  I spent, no fucking joke, like $350 on Valentine’s Day gifts one year and since my girlfriend (at the time)’s mom hated me, she had her, my girlfriend, grounded from seeing me.  So I had to drop off a suitcase full of gifts in her front yard, all the while the mom is yelling, “Okay, he’s been here long enough! It’s time for him to go now!”

Didn’t even get any joy (or sex) from her getting the gifts because I had to drop them off and leave.

***

If you have any rants about Valentine’s Day — or anything else, for that matter — feel free to share them in the comments section!  Box of chocolate-covered cherries and an autographed Hell City Sinners EP goes to the winner!