Come to Jesus Talks

December 9, 2009

On the verge of flunking out?  Scared of a future without college, a future where you’re unsupported by your parents and government loans?  It’s time to put aside all shame and self-consciousness and engage in a Come to Jesus Talk with the professors.

Let’s examine the parlance of the different approaches:

Repentant: “I have learned so much this semester.”  “I will be much more responsible.”  “Please, for the love of God, don’t fail me.”  “I’ll never let you down again.  Ever.  I promise.”  “You can count on me.  I have had, like, such a rough semester.”  “I understand now about the whole attendance policy thing.”

Life and Death:  “I’ll be out on the street if I fail your class.”  “My daddy’s gonna, like, hurt me, physically, if I fail your class.”  “I can’t fail.  Please.”

Disgust:  “I couldn’t get most of the work done because I’ve had a tapeworm.  Here — I brought a piece of it in this jar to show you…”

Embarrassment:  “I got picked on this semester, cause I’m a ginger.”

Cockiness:  “Okay.  You really need me in this department. I am more than competent and interested in this major.  I just can’t consistently wake up at eight in the morning.  I’m sorry.  However, this whole attendance policy is bullshit and you know it.  Now just count my test grades, which are superlative, and let’s all have a fabulous holiday season, okay?”


Ever Wonder How Much/Little Your Professor Earns?

December 7, 2009

Go here for the full database, courtesy Virginia Tech’s Collegiate Times.  Here are the top earners at Longwood:


BoV votes to increase tuition for 2010 semester

December 6, 2009

The Longwood Board of Visitors voted to increase tuition by 4.5% in the Spring semester, according to an email sent by SGA president Cam Patterson.  This increase is due, Patterson said, to state stimulus funds that the university has not received:

We were supposed to receive stimulus funding from the state to help with operation cost, but we have not received those funds and there is no clear cut sign that we will receive that money at all. The 4.5% increase will result in a 7$ [sic] per credit hour tuition increase and 105$ [sic] total for those taking 15 credit hours. This money will help to alleviate the burden that has been brought about due to the lack of stimulus funding. This increase only helps us to cover the operating cost for this year.

The BoV also voted to raise the comprehensive fee a dollar per credit hour to finance the hiring of a One Card Manager.  Patterson wrote:

The One Card is something that has been discussed for the past 10 years. This card will act like a debate [sic] card and students / faculty and staff will be able to use it at various vendors around town and to pay certain bills on campus. Parents can place money on the card via a online source or the parent/student can have the cashiering office do it. The total price will be $15 per student. Vendors like Kroger’s, CVS, McDonald’s, Subway and a few others have already bought into this service.

Patterson added that the tuition rates do not yet reflect impending budget cuts.  “We still have to focus on the cuts that will be levied by the Governor on December 18th and the General Assembly when they convene for session. These cuts will impact tuition for the 2010-2011 academic year.”


Your Friday Debt Report

December 4, 2009

Sure, it’s hard to find a job these days — but it all evens out, because now you get out of school with more debt!

Yesterday, The Roanoke Times reported that sixty-three percent of the 2008 Longwood graduates finished in debt an average of $14, 935 each.  Out of the fifteen public institutions in the state, this is third worst: Radford and Old Dominion were first and second, respectively.

The article includes the full report, which was conducted by Matt Reed of Institute for College Access and Success.  According to the arcticle:

The report is one of many tools parents and students can use to decide on the best school for them, said Matt Reed, author of the report and program director for the institute.

Reed said the report demonstrates that families and students should look at more than the sticker price of tuition and compare financial aid packages and the estimated total cost of attendance including housing, all of which can vary widely from school to school.

Yeah.  And as we’ve already learned, Longwood is already on the verge of overpricing itself out of its market of small public schools.  Thus, further raising tuition rates will be detrimental both to potential students and to current students who must bear more debt in a dismal job climate.

Have a great weekend!


The Rules of Writing

December 1, 2009

1.  Always begin scholarly papers with an introduction.  This is similar to the cover letter of a resume.  It’s a chance for you to grab the attention of your professor and let him know why you deserve to pass his class.  For example:

Dear Professor,

My name is John Doe.  Enclosed is my research paper.  Please accept it as an expression of my genuine interest in passing your class.

2.  A thesis statement should happen.  It is, by definition, the most ungainly, embarrassing sentence in your paper.  You may think you have a solid thesis, but if, upon completion of your paper, you spot a sentence that clocks in at over one hundred words and uses at least seven clauses and/or appositives, turn that baby into your thesis.

3.  There is a big difference between MLA and MIA citation.  With MLA, all you must do is include in-text citation and a works cited page, whereas with MIA, All I want to do is [gunshots, cash register ring sounds] take your money/No one on the corner has swagga like us/Hit me on the banner prepaid wireless/We pack and deliver like UPS trucks/Already going hell just pumping that gas.

4.  Semicolons: forget that they exist.  Let’s try to limit the number of times your professor laughs out loud while grading your paper.

5.  The final paragraph of your paper is like the end of an M. Night Shyamalan flick.  It is this is the point where you reveal the one key fact that you have been carefully withholding since the beginning.  If you can do it tastefully — fabulous.  Tasteful or not, just get it finished.


Transgender Awareness Week Vs. International Education Week: We sift through the events

November 16, 2009

Today

International Education:  According to the event schedule, “Cmdr. David Nystrom, deputy director of strategic communications for the Office of Naval Research, will speak Monday, Nov. 16, at 7:30 p.m. in Molnar Recital Hall in Wygal on “The Reconstruction Efforts for the Gold Dome Mosque in Samarra.” He will discuss the challenges facing the reconstruction efforts for this mosque in Iraq, one of Shi’ite Islam’s holiest shrines, which was heavily damaged in bombings by militants in 2006 and 2007.”

Transgender Awareness: According to the Facebook event schedule, a Transgender Workshop will be held at Hiner 207, starting at 7:00 p.m. “We will be discussing what it means to be transgender, who falls under the category of being transgender, and various other trans issues.”

Our Recommendation: Cmdr. David Nystrom, even though his lecture doesn’t appear to deal with education.

 

Tuesday, November 17th

International Education:  “Dr. Steven Isaac, associate professor of history, will speak Tuesday, Nov. 17, at 4 p.m. in the Virginia Room in Blackwell Hall on ‘Intruders and Entrails: Medieval Sieges, Longwood University and a Fulbright in France.’ Isaac, a specialist in medieval military culture, is going in the spring semester as a Fulbright Scholar to the University of Poitiers in France, where he will conduct research on military sieges in the 12th century and their impact on town dwellers. A reception will follow his talk.”

Trangender Awareness: Screening of the documentary “She’s a Boy I Once Knew” in Jeffer’s Auditorium, from 7:15-8:15 p.m.

Our Recommendation: Professor Isaacs’s reputation as an engaging lecturer should be enjoyed while we still have him at Longwood.   However, “She’s a Boy I Once Knew” has done well at film festivals.  Thus, we recommend both events, and would like to say that “Intruders and Entrails” could serve as a nice subtitle for a film about sex-change.

 

Wednesday, November 18th

International Education: “The World is Our Campus!”, a program put on by international students and Longwood students who have studied abroad, will be from 1 to 3 p.m. in Lankford Ballroom.

Trangender Awareness: “Safe Zone Ally Training,” a program where those in attendance will become “certified ‘safe zones’ for those of LGBTQ to turn when needed.”  12 p.m. to 2:30 in the C room of the Student Union.

Our Recommendation: Transgender Awareness wins.  We’ve got a good feeling about this one.

 

Thursday, November 19th

International Education: “Negotiating the Second Language Learner in the Classroom,” a program led by Longwood professor Don Butler and visiting professor Xiaohong (Julia) Zhu.  They will discuss “relationship dynamics and communication strategies in the multicultural classroom.”  This will  go down at the Prince Edward Room in Blackwell Hall at — ouch– 10 a.m.

Transgender Awareness: “A Day in the Life….” which is described as “[...] a Transgender open forum that will consist of a panel of four transgender [sic] indviduals,” will take place from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. at the Molnar Recital Hall in Wygal.

Our Recommendation: Transgender Awarness wins for picking a reasonable hour of the day to hold an event.


Academics and Athletics

November 2, 2009

Last week, the debate over how Longwood University will weather state budget cuts while remaining a competitive, competent institution caught the attention of the student body.

One Facebook group titled Education Before Athletics has a membership — as of this writing – of 453 members, composed of students, student athletes, professors, and alumni.   The argument is over whether Longwood athletics should remain at a Division I level, a frustrating thing to argue, especially when it’s revealed that this was never proposed by anyone in a position of authority.

What was proposed, in the Resolution on the Longwood University Budget put forth by Academic Advisory Committee, was that “ tuition increases in FY2011 be made cost-neutral to students through a reduction in the Athletic component of the Comprehensive Fee, and that other components of the Comprehensive Fee remain level-funded.”

We believe this is a logical choice that should be considered by President Comier, Dr. McWee, and the Board of Visitors.  We do appreciate the contribution of Longwood athletics, which has performed well in Division I, finishing the 2008-2009 academic year with a cumulative win percentage just under .500.   However, we fear that Longwood’s already tenuous reputation as an academic institution will suffer huge damages if professors and other essential faculty are made to suffer the brunt of the budget cuts.

In the presentation given by Dr. Brian Bates on behalf of the AAC, a number of worrying facts were presented:

slide seventeen

Slide 17: Longwood's tution and comprehensive fee has been consistently higher than peer institutions

slides tenty one and twenty two

Slides 21-22: The athletic portion of the comprehensive fee has swelled from 32% to 48% in seven years.

Athletics makes up 22.5% of the total fees you pay.
Slide 20: Athletics make up 22.5% of the total fees you pay to Longwood.

The presentation goes on to propose that the comprehensive fee be scaled back in order for Longwood to remain competitive.  It says “The only area within Comp Fee that has seen meteoric growth is the Athletic budget.”

It then demonstrates the maintenance of comprehensive fee that would be cost-neutral to students, and keep Longwood competitive amongst peer institutions.  The penultimate slide ends with a plea by the faculty:

slide thirty four

What the hell is the core mission of Longwood?  Is it to have, above all, a ballin’ ass athletic program that will spread the good news of our pretty little school in Farmville?

No.  It’s this:

Longwood University is an institution of higher learning dedicated to the development of citizen leaders who are prepared to make positive contributions to the common good of society. Building upon its strong foundation in the liberal arts and sciences, the University provides an environment in which exceptional teaching fosters student learning, scholarship, and achievement. As the only four-year public institution in south central Virginia, Longwood University serves as a catalyst for regional prosperity and advancement.

Approved by the Longwood Board of Visitors, July 1997.

“…exceptional teaching fosters student learning, scholarship, and achievement.”  Meaning, the Longwood BOV purports to care about the education of its students, all of its students.  The Mission has nothing to do with the extracurricular and everything to do with the curricular.

As well it should: Longwood’s ”brand” is staked on the quality of the students it produces, not on how many times our name appears on the ESPN.  Having a strong academic product to back the brand is the only way to grow.  Schools with prominent athletic programs almost always have a supportive alumni base; students are not leeched upon in the name of athletic glory.  Instead, happy graduates donate to their Alma Mater.

Will our athletic program lose its Division I status if their portion of the comprehensive fee is reduced?  We don’t know.  Possibly.  But we feel that seeing Longwood lose its Division I status is a much more preferable alternative to seeing professors, those who are here to serve all students, not just the athletes, lose their jobs because of budget cuts.


The Print Issue: Day One

October 26, 2009

This week, possibly our favorite week of the year, we’ve put together a pamphlet that will be available at different spots around campus.  It includes two stories, a swell interview, music suggestions for your Halloween party, a comic strip, and a sonnet!

Today, there are ten copies in the atrium of the Greenwood Library.

printone

If you live outside Farmville and would like a copy, email us — longwoodhole@gmail.com — and we’ll mail you one.


W vs. F

October 15, 2009

Don’t panic, but the deadline to withdraw with a “W” on your transcript is today, October 14th, at 5:00 PM.  If you need help writing your withdrawal application, we are providing some tips –

Oh, never mind.  Yesterday was October 14.  Snap.

Well, here are some tips for coping with all those Fs.

1.  Creepy laughter:  Just because that F in your stats class will now go on your transcript and jostle your GPA doesn’t mean you should stay in bed at 9:00.  Go ahead and march up to third floor Ruffner, sit in the front row, and at random moments during the lecture enjoy a big ol belly laugh.  At first, people will get nervous, then they will wonder what you’re laughing about, why you’re so happy.  When someone asks why your laughing, start laughing even harder.

2.  Appreciate the little things in life: Things that are little include your self confidence, your bank account, and your remaining time at Longwood.

3.  Laying in mud puddles:  Nothing  soothes the nerves better than plopping down in a mud puddle and partaking in a little introspection.  If you can’t find a mud puddle after all the rain we’ve had recently, then son, you really are a fucking idiot.

4.  “Fail” : A person who says “Fail” is hilarious and not at all an idiot.   So when someone asks how you’re doing, say “fail.”  They’ll think you’re very, very witty.

5.   Learn how to knit:  This will come in handy now that you will be losing your scholarship and flunking out of school.  Clothes, as you will soon find, can be really expensive.  Learn to make them yourself.   Out of Wal-Mart bags.


SGA jumps on the “hysterical townhall meeting” bandwagon

October 14, 2009

According to an email from Cam Patterson, tomorrow afternoon at six the SGA will host an extra special Student Services Open Forum in the Lankford Ballroom. 

Patterson wrote:

This will be a [sic] opportunity for students to share their thoughts/concerns on key areas of student life. The following offices will be represented at this forum

• Dr. Richard Chassey – Honor and Judicial Affairs
• Chief Bob Beach – Campus Police and Public Safety
• Doug Howell – Residential and Commuter Life
• Grant Avent – Dining Services
• Dr. Tim Pierson – Administration and Everything Else 

Sounds like something worth attending.  We’re already scribbling down a list of grievances. 

First on the list:  Bob Beach, why won’t you accept our friend request on Facebook?


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